Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

i smell a pulitzer

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

Room with a view.

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party