Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
You Might Also Like
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)