Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

me linking you to my twitter

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.