Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.