her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
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Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Dune (2021)
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
going to the ER y’all need anything
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.