her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
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Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Someone just threatened to call me later
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.