Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

is there nothing we can trust anymore

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today