HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
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If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
going to the ER y’all need anything
not to brag, but mine was free
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?