Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
You Might Also Like
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”