Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
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I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Husband: you should get out of the house more
Me: *goes shopping*
Husband: not like that
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice