Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
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“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Stop it! 😂
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low