Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
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Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I only eat vegetarians.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?