Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
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Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)