@RdrJay47

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

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@Parkerlawyer

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

@Goggner

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

@truegritrumble

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

@joynessthebrave

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

@zachreinert03

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

@AnOrangeSNES

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

@david8hughes

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

@jackiembouvier

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

@sanjanaa

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

@JillianKarger

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”