Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
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If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
<—- homeless romantic
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.