Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

lol

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.