Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
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Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”