Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
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*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.