Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

⚠️ Important Reminder:

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Frankenstein?

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT