Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
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I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…