Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

i dont have time for this

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

Only a mother’s love …

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.