Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

Black Friday “markdowns” like

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM