HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
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“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
i hope my email finds you on fire
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.