Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda