My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
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“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/