Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.