Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
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THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base