Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: đź‘Ś
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I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Who chose this font
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀