Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

No Google it does not

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf