Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
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There are usually two types of merchants.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I’m sorry…what?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too