Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
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My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
It do be feeling this way.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.