Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
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[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
grotesque if literal: baby food
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore