Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
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If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend