Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
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My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
3% human
97% stress
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.