Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t bark with your mouth full

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

😆this is so true

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”