Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

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[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite


The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.


me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly


Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator


bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting


I’m no scientist, but harnessing the power of teen girls talking would probably solve all the world’s energy woes.


[checks window]
[locks door]
[starts to tweet]
shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY


Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.


I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.


We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends