Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
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Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.