[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
You Might Also Like
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead
-a valentine from the Predator
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I’m no scientist, but harnessing the power of teen girls talking would probably solve all the world’s energy woes.
[starts to tweet]
shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends