Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

How much for the goth pool noodles?

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!

Ironic

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.