Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
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[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.