Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!