Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
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Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300