Her: I just don’t like you, no one does
Me: What, why? is it my hair?
Her: no
Her: no, it’s your personality
Me: oh thank god

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[first date]

Him: What are you passionate about?

Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.

Him: Animals?

Me: Haha. Sure…


“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you


Calm down with that charm bracelet, lady. Every time you move your hand I look around for Santa’s sleigh.


On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.


I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.


On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.


When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with


WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know