@CornOnTheGoblin
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
@jacob_swift16
Her: I just don’t like you, no one does
Me: What, why? is it my hair?
Her: no
Me: MY LOOKS!?
Her: no, it’s your personality
Me: oh thank god
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@CornOnTheGoblin
@AtticusFinch79
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
@SoVeryBritish
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
@illuminatedwndr
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
@Darlainky
Calm down with that charm bracelet, lady. Every time you move your hand I look around for Santa’s sleigh.
@david8hughes
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
@RunOldMan
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
@UncleDuke1969
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
@bridger_w
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
@FunnyBison
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know