Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.