her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
crying
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
