[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
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The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Imma just leave this here…………
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year