@Dustinkcouch

her: i just got a call from my doctor

me: what did he say

her: that we got a baby coming

me: but we haven’t had sex

her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.

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@markydoodoo

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

@TechnicallyRon

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

@kelkulus

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

@KeetPotato

Surely there’s a 3rd option. Can’t i just walk home? That can’t be my only two choices? Ride or DIE? Seems a bit extreme.

@neiltyson

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

@ibid78

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Jesus turned it into wine.

@_troyjohnson

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

@WritePlay

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds