her: i just got a call from my doctor

me: what did he say

her: that we got a baby coming

me: but we haven’t had sex

her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.

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Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call


i hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore. facebook friends suck.


A flash mob has nothing to do with a bunch of Italians in trench coats hanging out at a playground, apparently.


I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.


Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.


My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.


Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.


You know the meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.


[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist