There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
her: i just got a call from my doctor
me: what did he say
her: that we got a baby coming
me: but we haven’t had sex
her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.
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Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Surely there’s a 3rd option. Can’t i just walk home? That can’t be my only two choices? Ride or DIE? Seems a bit extreme.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Jesus turned it into wine.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Sex so good, you make bed angels with your arms and legs afterwards.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.