her: i just got a call from my doctor

me: what did he say

her: that we got a baby coming

me: but we haven’t had sex

her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.

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There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.


Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.


Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.


Surely there’s a 3rd option. Can’t i just walk home? That can’t be my only two choices? Ride or DIE? Seems a bit extreme.


After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable


Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Jesus turned it into wine.


Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”


this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds