Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

Hmm 🧐

Aight bet

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.