Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
You Might Also Like
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.