Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t

HR said no more nunchucks.

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov