Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

I just want an internship man

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

😂🥴

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.