Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.

Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!

A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*