Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

Proctologist = Analyst

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..