HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
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Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
If looks could kill
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.