Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me