Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ candidates for local office

Geez man, take it easy.

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

Omg like wtf
-me, praying