her: i like a guy that can last long đ
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
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My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. Iâm no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists donât just develop ânanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.â So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up heâd appreciate it thnx
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
my astrological sign is a french fry
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
me, one hour into the âno solid food for three weeksâ thinkin about pizza
Me: Donât you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasnât looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* thatâs so weird.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.