Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

This headline is a thing of beauty

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?