her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
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My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Stop
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on