Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

Better luck next time champ

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

this has to be peak English