Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot