HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
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Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Namaste
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.