HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

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On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.


The main reason I tell my daughter that beauty is on the inside is because I’m in charge of her ponytail in the mornings.


What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.


First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…


Your ex asking if you can still be friends is like kidnappers saying “keep in touch” after they let you go.


The only reason why i am fat is because a tiny body could not store all this huge personality.


Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.


jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc


Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem


Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.