HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
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I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
How it started How it’s going
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.