@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

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@thevirtualidiot

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

@The_JRM

The main reason I tell my daughter that beauty is on the inside is because I’m in charge of her ponytail in the mornings.

@JediGigi

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

@FeverFlave

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

@Cait_Plus_Eight

Your ex asking if you can still be friends is like kidnappers saying “keep in touch” after they let you go.

@iGreenMonk

The only reason why i am fat is because a tiny body could not store all this huge personality.

@causticbob

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

@MNateShyamalan

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

@donni

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

@heatherlou_

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.