Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

*first day as an insurance salesman*

Customer: Can I get a quote?

Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰

Customer: …

Me: …

Customer: …

Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else