HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
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Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.