Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

True

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

learning about math 🧐 📝