Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

subtitles are so good nowadays

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

Printer ink is expensive

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

New Tinder profile.

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad