Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people