Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning