Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

cat faces on other animals, a thread

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?

Me: What?

7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS

Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.

7yo: WHOA 🤯

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?