Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
![]()
You Might Also Like
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?![]()
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead