Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
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Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I saw nothing
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
