cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
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There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards