Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
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It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
My first son he is wonderful
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
work smarter, not harder
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.