@SvnSxty

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

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@Donna_McCoy

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

@Greg_1_Leg

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

@roxiqt

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

@AllanForsyth

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

@MommaUnfiltered

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

@KrangTNelson

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

@Arbitral

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

@ElliotHetherton

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards