Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
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There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better