Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
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Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
You better watch out
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
honey, bring out the fine china.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.