Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

Lmao

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.