Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”